LOVE AND RESPECT THE KEY TO A HEALTHY FAMILY


Part 1. RESPECT
Family Series (GCC Sunday Message) 
Ephesians 5: 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

1Peter 3:1 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.

LOVE AND RESPECT ARE THE FOUNDATION FOR ANY FAMILY AND EVEN FOR ANY SOCIETY.

We shall cover the love part of this topic next time. But a marriage without love is so dry, so empty and not a healthy place to be. This love as we shall see next time, is both the emotional kind of love, the kinship type of love, the friendship king of love and the sacrificial Agape love.
Equally important is respect it is so important that without it a marriage almost always fails. Today we shall spend more time on this kind of love.
RESPECT
This is why in any relationship, the element of respect should rank high in our decision to marry someone or not.
Because for marriage to survive and withstand the test of time and nerves, you need both love and respect. They go together like a horse and carriage. A marriage will crumble without both.

God made men and women differently and we respond in life differently.

I. MAN IS BLUE AND WOMAN IS PINK
MEN
·         Our value comes from what we do.
·         We have a need to be respected.
·         We connected through activity,
·         Men love to lead to protect and they get honor by acts of heroism.
·         Men love to protect their families and that is why they buy insurance, to make sure when they are gone their family will not suffer.
·         They love to conquer: That is why men love aggressive games like wrestling, men enjoy race cars, men like adventure.  They enjoy war movies and violent movies are ok with these guys. They love adventure.
 WOMEN
·         Our value comes from having an emotionally satisfying relationship
·         We have need to be loved
·         They want men to care for them, to remember their birthdays and their anniversary.
·         They enjoy you holding their hands and tell them I love you. They want you to comment on their dress and on the style of their hair
·         We connect mostly in a verbal way.
·         Women will enjoy romantic movies, that is why soaps are watched mostly by women


An innate desire to conquer, to rule and to lead

Genesis 1:
26 Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” 27 So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. 28 Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

Genesis 2
15 Then the Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it.

Man get fulfillment from the work he does.

Man was made to manage and to lead.

Genesis 2:
18. God said, “It’s not good for the Man to be alone; I’ll make him a helper, a companion.” 

To man to companionship is being there with me, being present.

For the woman talk to me, help me sharing moments with me.

Genesis 3:
16 To the woman He said:
“I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception;
In pain you shall bring forth children;
Your desire shall be for your husband,
And he shall rule over you.”
17 Then to Adam He said, “Because you have heeded the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat of it’:
“Cursed is the ground for your sake;
In toil you shall eat of it
All the days of your life.
18     Both thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you,
And you shall eat the herb of the field.
19     In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread
Till you return to the ground,
For out of it you were taken;
For dust you are,
And to dust you shall return.”

Her fulfillment is in that man.  She is complete if he leads her well.
She is supposed to be his princess and he is supposed to be her king.

Esther 1;
11 to bring Queen Vashti before the king, wearing her royal crown, in order to show her beauty to the people and the officials, for she was beautiful to behold. 12 But Queen Vashti refused to come at the king’s command brought by his eunuchs; therefore the king was furious, and his anger burned within him.
15 “What shall we do to Queen Vashti, according to law, because she did not obey the command of King Ahasuerus brought to her by the eunuchs?”

16 And Memucan answered before the king and the princes: “Queen Vashti has not only wronged the king, but also all the princes, and all the people who are in all the provinces of King Ahasuerus. 17 For the queen’s behavior will become known to all women, so that they will despise their husbands in their eyes, when they report, ‘King Ahasuerus commanded Queen Vashti to be brought in before him, but she did not come.’ 18 This very day the noble ladies of Persia and Media will say to all the king’s officials that they have heard of the behavior of the queen. Thus there will be excessive contempt and wrath.


II. WHAT DEFLATES US?

WHAT DEFLATES A WOMAN?

WHEN MEN ACT IN UNLOVING WAY TO THEM.

Whenever a woman feels unloved she will react and unfortunately just like the man she will act badly and usually using her mouth and most of the time will lead to show the man how much she needs love.  But she usually criticizes him and instead of drawing him closer you just send him off.

WHAT DEFLATES A MAN

To be held in contempt.
To be disrespected
To be despised.

A wife is your greatest cheer leader. She is the reason, I work hard, she is the reason, I save and plan for the future. A real man is willing to die for his wife and kids. When he realizes she is not seeing it or she speaks in a way that show the opposite. Trouble has come.


HOW DO MEN REACT WHEN DEFLATED

1.      They become stonewalls. They withdraw and stop talking.
2.      They leave the house.
3.      Some will become harsh and sometimes may beat up a woman
4.      If it persists they look for someone who can sympathize with them. Unfortunately it usually leads to adultery.


III. HOW SHOULD LADIES PROVIDE RESPECT FOR THEIR HUSBANDS?

YOU CAN BE RIGHT BUT WRONG AT THE TOP OF YOUR VOICE 

The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. Thomas Nelson.

“A wise woman builds her house.  But a foolish woman tears hers down”
(Proverbs 14:1 NIRV). 
Respect is not a suggestion from God it is a command.
Many ladies, I will respect him when he earns my respect. No respect him even when you not feel like it. This does not mean you should accept his abusive behaviors or his beatings or his adultery no. Those things are not acceptable, actually they are criminal behaviors. But remember even though they are you may have participated in causing those acts.

This is a tough journey especially with some of our spouses whose ways are not as loving. But it is a journey of faith not feelings.

1.              Appreciate his desire to work and achieve.
(Emmerson called it the desire to conquer). 

(When men meet, what do they ask each other? What do you do, what is your business or profession? But most women want to find out about your family and whether you have kids first)
a.       When man loses a job it is so devastating that it is your best time to encourage him.
b.       When he gets a promotion it is your best time to celebrate with him. Take it so seriously.
God in genesis gave the man the task to work the garden. (Gen 2:15 and the wife to be there for him and encourage him in what he was called to do. Help-meet).

Providing for our family is our pride and when things go wrong in that area we need encouragement not criticism or judgment.

Encourage his work.
Be positive about his dreams
Listen to stories from his work, even when they are boring

2.             Appreciate his desire to protect and provide for his family.

The husband is first among equals (if it is vites he has 51% and the wife has 49% and all for responsibility purposes)
Another desire God built into the man is to protect and provide for his wife and family and, if necessary, to die for them. The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. Thomas Nelson.

“Eph 5: 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,”

Many husbands would like to do whatever it takes to protect and provide (they will travel journeys, go to Dubai or Japan to look for money to care) Remember their glasses are BLUE. But the wife says where are you, I want you not your money, why don't you talk to me every day?
For the man his respect comes from protection and providing.
“ have you had women that man does not love me, he says if I did not love you, I would not provide food, take kids to school etc.

The woman wants love the man is trying to gain respect by providing and protecting.
To a man love means providing to a wife love means real love. To a man love means respecting me and what I do.

TREAT YOUR HUSBAND LIKE A KING AND HE WILL BE DRAWN TO TREAT YOU LIKE A QUEEN.

Please do not compare your man with another man.  If you were like so and so we would not suffer the way we suffer. I wish we had a car like so and so, he works harder and plans. You are taking away the king in him.  (it may be true but do not speak it out)

Men are more vulnerable to criticism when it is related to “headship”  Eggerichs, Emerson.

“The right word at the right time is like golden apples in silver jewelry” (Proverbs 25:11 NIRV).

Ladies your greatest tool in a marriage are your words but also your greatest enemy are your words.

Never ever put down his job or how much he makes.

Provides words of praise whenever he sacrifices and works hard to provide, that is what makes him a man.

3.               Let him be the head of the house. Let him lead.
23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
The word Submit means in greek to:  TO RANK UNDER OR TO PLACE UNDER.
Yes the husband needs to consult his wife to get her point of view, but he must make the final decision. When issue of decision comes to the wife she needs to defer to the husband and by faith trust him to hear God’s voice. (it’s like the husband is chairman of the meeting.

Her obedience to God take precedence of over her husband. If he is acting in sin or committing a crime, there you have permission to disagree with him.

“Wives, follow the lead of your husbands. . . . Then let them be won to Christ without words by seeing how their wives behave” (1 Peter 3:1 NIRV).

God has given man responsibility to take care of, to provide for, to protect the family. In order to do that he needs authority to lead.

 Now God wants you affirm to him and accept him and let him lead. Is he perfect, no he is not but give him a chance do not brush him off.

When you surrender and let him take the lead by faith, you will see a miracle in your family.
He will immediately begin showing what you always longed for, to treat you like his queen. Your king will be willing to go to battle for you and even die for you. That is what energizes us men.

Always affirm him by praising his leadership.
Whenever he makes a good decision praise it public and when things turn up badly be gracious to him.  (remember he needs respect).

Never challenge his leadership especially in public.

4. WOMEN HAVE INTUITION AND MEN HAVE INSIGHT.

Women tend to interpret issues through feelings, they can read internally and can be very prophetic.
But men are good at weighing the pros and cons.

Men are always problem solvers and that is how they approach issues.

They want to give advice.
They love to fix things in the house. (that is a great way to show love to you also as a woman, let him do so)

EXAMPLE AT A FUNERAL

Have you ever seen men when they arrive at a place where someone has died? They want to know is there food, where will the people sit, what time is the funeral service, but for women, it is crying first, it is what caused the death, how is the wife feeling? ( remember our glasses Love and conquer )

Each of these has advantages and disadvantages. It is very possible for women to be deceived especially by people who pretend to be prophets, by people who are manipulative and people who can work on their emotions.

But also men can make major blunders especially if something seems to make sense. They tend to be fearless and take many risks.

In a family setting therefore it is important to defer major decisions, and wait and talk them through with your spouse.

Key do not try so holy and be the Holy Spirit to your husband. (he will see disrespect)
Do not be so arrogant that you cannot listen (you will come forth as unloving)
For wives your power is in: 1 Peter; “. . . the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:4 NIV).”

Learn to appreciate their character.


5.            MEN LOVE COMPANIONSHIP

“. . . the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:4 NIV).

Men enjoy companionship by sharing an activity. But women enjoy companionship by talking with you.
Just sitting there is great; accompanying him to a football game is amazing to him. Please go even when it is boring for you. When he is watching a soccer game, just bring your crotchet, sit and be there while he shouts at the TV. He will think you are watching, but your presence will show wonders.













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