FAMILY MATTERS #2-Communicating Well.

HOW TO COMMUNICATE WELL.
GCC message 2- August 2016

 INTRODUCTION
What is communication?
It is a process (either verbal or non-verbal) of sharing information with another person/s in such a way that he/she understands what you are saying.

What one spouse once said:
“I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

ILLUSTRATION
Communication experts point out that when you talk with another person there are actually six messages that can come through.
1. What you mean to say.
2. What you actually say,
3. What the other person hears.
4. What the other person thinks he hears.
5. What the other person says about what you said.


6. What you think the other person said about what you said. (Communication, Key to your Marriage by Norman H. Wright,)
Men usually seek rationality, they always ask does it solve the problem.
Women often deal more with the emotional side of communication.
I. The Power of Words.
James 1:19 “...Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (NIV)
Ephesians 4:29 “Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words, the kind that build up and provide what is needed, so that what you say will do good to those who hear you “ (GNB)
Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (NASB)
We should always make sure our words are honoring to God.
Is what I am saying true. Is it God honoring.  Does it draw the other person to God.
Avoid using curse words, avoid using words that put down the other person or keeps reminding them of the past failures that they have already confessed and repented of. 
Use words that lift people’s spirits and not those that deplete their energy.
Proverbs 12:18  Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Prov 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Words are permanent therefore think before you speak.
Any word you speak is alive and can either cause harm or good. You may forget but the other person will never forget it.
Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (NASB)
Never tell your spouse or child that they are useless, or you wish them death or they will never amount up to anything.  They will never ever forget it. For a child it can kill their self esteem and for a spouse it can cause long lasting damage to your relationship. USUALLY ANGER CAUSES SUCH OUTBASTS.
A WORD TO THE LADIES: Do not be a nagging woman.
A Word to the Men: Do not be Harsh.
II. LISTENING ACTIVELY
Good listeners are present.
They put everything down and focus on the person talking to them
They give the other party eye contact.
They observe the other party’s body language.
Communication is more than words:
      In a conversation :  7% is content ( what they have said), 38% Tone ( voice intonation) and 55% body language. 
Watch the other person as you listen, you will get more out of your conversation.
Barrier:  TV, New Papers, Social Media, timing.
They have empathy.
They put themselves in the other person’s position.  What if am the other person, how would I feel.  Try to listen with your heart even as you use your head.
They come into the conversation with an open mind.
Seek to understand before they offer their opinion or their judgment, or defense
Defensiveness: We all have a self-protection instinct. But, becoming defensive with your spouse rarely helps to resolve conflict and typically reduces the conversation into a blame game.
Prov 18: 13  He who answers before listening—  that is his folly and his shame.
They affirm the person who talks to them by giving feedback and by asking clarifying questions. You can only do this if you first listen instead of thinking  about what you are to say next.
Proverbs 15: 23  A man finds joy in giving an apt reply— and how good is a timely word!
Prov 15:4 The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life,
but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. Proverbs 16:245 AREAS OF COMMUNICATION
WHAT?
Everything; Money, Work, Spiritual things, concerns, joys.
Talk about children, talk about bed-room issues.
WHO
All the people in the family.
Every head of the family should intentionally give space to every member to express themselves.
Parents; this must be intentional.  When children are shut down at home they will grow up with a timid spirit and that is the worst thing you can give your child. Timid people suffer to fit in society.
We must give our spouse the space to share their feelings.
WHEN
At the appropriate time.
When you are calm and not angry.
Never Deal with Difficult issues when you are tired, stressed or hungry.
WHERE?
Public: to appreciate and acknowledge good behavior and good work done.
General information that everyone in the home needs to know.
Private: When you want to share concerns with your spouse.
Concerns with your older family members. People never want to bring shame to them publically.
Seeking clarity on a roamer you have heard about the mature members of the family.
 HOW? Lovingly and not harshly.
Clean language and never abusive language.
Avoid threatening words.
Never attack the person deal with real issues. ( you are dumb, all people from this tribe are like that, all this is not acceptable)
Criticism: Complaints are normal but criticism deals more with your spouse’s character and personality. Examples: “You’re an idiot,” “You’re such a narcissist,” “You have no sense of humor.”
Contempt: This results from long simmering negative thoughts about your partner that turn into disrespect. 
THE 3 MAGIC PHRASES IN A FAMILY
I love you
Thank you
I am sorry
EFFECTIVE APOLOGY
I was wrong: Acknowledge you hurt your spouse, your child or your parent.
I am sorry:  I understand that what I did affected the other person and I am willing to change.
Please forgive me:  I am committed to change and I need to reconcile with you.
I love you:  I am committed to our relationship, for either the spouse or the other member in the family.
CONCLUSION
Where are you?

The Holy Bible: New International Version. 1984 (Pr 12:18–19). Grand Rapids, MI: Zonderva
The Holy Bible: New International Version. 1984 (Pr 18:13). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
The Holy Bible: New International Version. 1984 (Pr 15:1,4,23,). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

 
 
 
 

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